I am a Fog, a blackened smoke of nothingness
Light passes through me like pointed steel
Shattering my floating haze
Gripped with plights of stinging pain
I rise, with head heavy like lead
Chances of survival diminish with every breath
A sense of being robbed of time
Or a deserving chance to carry on
If only this aching would stop,
Long enough for my dreams to reign absolute
How I would gladly close my eyes then
And rest with a heart light in weight and light in reflection.  

Note

I am an extraordinary being

I am God’s instilled greatness,

I am a fortune promised, a treasure fulfilled

I am imperfect perfectly

Life’s light on a dim day

On the days my mind is filled with noise

When my courage is little and darkness surrounds me

I look for the crack of light in the gloom and let the glow guide me

Deep breaths and a step, there I am back at my joy and confidence

So once again I can marvel at the existence and person that is me

Wants V Needs

How good are you at differentiating what you need from what you want? Anyone who's ever had to deal with disappointments in life knows there's a difference. We all want a lot of things and we all need a lot. Just how do you decide which is best for you. You can easily say you as a person (grown or otherwise) know what you want, but very rarely do we know what we need.

Have you ever had something go wrong but meant that you got something you actually needed? Does missing the bus and have to walk meant that you met an old friend who presents you with an opportunity that ends you being what you need. Maybe getting dumped and going on holiday alone, lead you to a place where so many opportunities awaited you?

We all have an ideal, a picture in our head that we are trying to replicate in real life. We go through so much to make that picture whole. Work 9-5 jobs, put money in our pension pot, have savings, start college funds for our kids and so on. However sometimes, regardless of how hard we try, we just never seem to be able to portray the exact same picture.
You would expect this would mean the final drawing would come out skewed; I mean if things haven’t gone the way you planned, surely the end point will be completely different from what you envisioned. And life would cease to be what you know it to be. Only that doesn’t seem to be the case, in spite of getting something different from what we expected, we end up getting what we needed. In comparing our ideal to what life has presented us, we end up at exactly where we needed to be.

At what point do we stop striving for what we want and start aiming for what we need. When through all of this do we stop drawing our ideal picture and start drawing a realistic one? Can you tell the difference between what you want and what you need? Do you know what you need? Is it different from what you want? Are you striving for what you what or what you need?

I personally find, that sometimes I can answer this question with confidence and other times I’m confused as to which is which.

Death to Chain Mail

Do you ever get those annoying chain mails that are well written or has some supposedly powerful message and at the end of it, says of you don’t send it to 99.9 people you will see worms in your food or some crap like that.  

I really wonder if anyone believes messages like that, I mean think about it. It says if you don’t send it to your whole inbox you don’t get a blessing or you have 3.5 years of bad luck (I just divided the years of breaking a mirror bad luck by 2, surely that’s much worse?), if you send it to only half of you inbox you get a wish but it comes true in less years, however if you send it to your full inbox you get your wish in 10mins. How is the number of bad luck years calculated? Does the email have spyware attached to calculate the percentage of your inbox you sent it too? How long do you think it took for the average person to figure out there is no correlation?

Seriously can you tell me that in the list of 62 emails you have to read, if you don’t drop everything and send this threatening email to all your contacts so that they too can forward the threatening email to their contacts your left pinkie toe will grow a fungal nail. And what are the rules if you get the mail more than once, if you don’t send it again does the previous good luck cease to be or will you get a pardon? 

I really try not to take my frustration out on the people that send me emails like that; I just block any future emails from them. Sometimes I forward it to only that person just to see if they’ll send it back to all their contacts (only happens on the rare occasion I have time).  Other times I just send them an imaginary middle finger (doesn’t hurt them but makes me feel better). 

What dim-witted horrific person sat down and came up with this stupid concept. I really would like to meet them, I could write at the end of this what I would to do the person, but I unlike them believe in the surprises, however I can say whatever it is will not be the threat of a fungal nails (will probably involve a baseball bat and their computer making a physical connection).

Existing World

In this world here, we each exist

In this life, we all persist

Though often difficult this road we travel 

Bare feet on path of gravel 

We saunter on, often with earthly cargo  

Not immune to faltering

Frequently hesitant of unseen twists and turns

In figure we grow, in figure we diminish

Weary though humankind; live we must

Awaiting earth’s stillness

When all alive ceases to exist

500 Miles Plus

Few weeks into my new job at Aberdeen, I decide to drive my car down (or rather up) to Aberdeen in Scotland. I'd tried unsuccessfully to commute by public transport or use taxi's but I have to say my work place in Aberdeen is unfortunately placed in a village in disguise, in disguise you say? Well it an industrial area with houses built nearby and 10mins drive from the airport, however it has terrible transport links and being a Londoner, I was not a happy camper. Hence I decided to take my car with me to commute within Aberdeen.

I headed out on my trusted 1 litre engine Yaris at about 10am in the morning, from my flat in east London, with a full tank of petrol, an extra keg just in case I run out miles from the nearest station, my sat nav and my iPod as companion. I'd promised to keep my siblings in London updated of my progress as I was driving alone (either that or they send out the national guard if 30mins go by without contact, they actually would do that; they'd just wait 30 more mins).

Listening to LBC 97.3 has I drove, I tried to take in some of the sites, so I could regale my readers about my journey. I drove past the sign for a town called Stilton (Yes, the Cheese).  I made my first stop 3 hours into my drive at the North Yorkshire/County Durham border. Had a moderately manageable sandwich and got a starbucks coffee on ice and stocked up on red bull, water and gum. I IM'ed my siblings to update, refuelled my car and headed back out.

After driving another hour or so, my radio stopped picking up LBC, I plugged in my iPod and sang along to the songs (with a wonderful voice, if I do say so myself) ok my singing voice is atrocious (don't judge me). I crossed the Scottish border at 15.01pm. By this point I’d made a 10mins stop and consumed my coffee and half of my red bull/water/ice mixture.

I got lost at this point because I took a wrong turn for the services, ended up in a town called Tranet, where fortunately I was able to find local services; I rested up for another 30mins, ate and continued on my journey. Back on the motorway, I passed a sign for a town called Dollar (wonder if they spend pounds there?). Had to drive past Edinburgh, Glasgow, Perth, Fife and such, because of the big cities in Scotland and Aberdeenshire is one of the furthest. At this point I had switched off my iPod and started having a conversation with myself (not that I hear voices in my head or anything). I reached Aberdeenshire at 19.10pm and Aberdeen city at 19.36 (drive like the wind, vroom).

Pulled up at my rented place at 20.18, to say I was worn out would be a crime against me. I’d driven a manual car for 10 hours (granted I was in 5th gear most of the time), although the sights where lovely I couldn't enjoy it as my options where watch the road or look at the sites, doing the drive alone was not ideal and I would definitely advice against it. However that is one experience I will not be forgetting soon.

Me In My Old Age

I often wonder in my old age, if I would be hunted by my memories

Memories of loved ones gone and love lost

Memories of life un-lived and life I missed

Will I question choices I made and choices unmade?

Question things left undone and things I have done

If I look back on my life, will I feel I lived every moment completely?

In my old age, will I smile with wrinkles all over my face?

Each line representing a decision unmade, a love I’d lost, a path not taken.

I see a picture of me in my old age, an old woman with a life wholly lived.
Will what i see, be a true reflection of the life i will live.
Of me in my old age.

2 Days Not 9 Hours to Aberdeen

I'm starting a new job in Aberdeen next week. Kind of lovely to get the role, granted it’s a contract position and it’s a little awkward to travel to (OK a lot awkward, seeing as I live in London in the south east of England and Aberdeen is all the way in Scotland) which is over 9 hours drive. However I saw it as an opportunity and went for it. 

So here goes, on my initial trip to Aberdeen for the job interview, I decided for several reasons (money and convenience) to go by coach. The coach trip took 12hrs (yes half a day, I kid you not). However as I was travelling overnight Sunday to Monday it was beneficial as I got to sleep on the coach arriving at Aberdeen mid day on Monday. 
My interview was on Monday afternoon, and the timing worked great. However after being on the coach overnight, I kind of didn’t smell so good. Never fear smarty pants here (<me) had prepared for this, I had packed my interview clothes along with some on the go toiletries. So when I got to Aberdeen I made a beeline for the nearest mall, which was fortunately for me annexed to the coach station. This was no basic mall, this mall was newly done and to a very high standard if I might add (O yea!).  I went to first to the ladies and brushed my teeth (you do not want to know the weird looks I got doing this at the ladies sink), then I went into a stall and cleansed with wipes (several and several wipes), came back out to put on my makeup with the aid of the huge and properly lighted bathroom mirrors. My next stop was a ladies clothing store, a brief browse and pick of a couple of items from the rack and I made my way to the fitting rooms.  I went into the fitting room in jeans, a t-shirt and plimsolls and came out in a dress suit, tights, heels and a whiff of “very valentino” perfume (booyah!!!).  I handed my quick pick store clothes to the attendant and headed for the coach station lockers, stored my luggage jumped in taxi and headed for my interview. 

Got there early with time to spare, the interview went great (must have, got the job) and I scored points when I responded to the interviewer’s question of how I travelled to Aberdeen. Back at the mall after another cab ride, I sit to have Mexican for lunch (areeba) and treated myself to a cocktail [which was richly deserved]. A couple of  hours later, lunch done, window shopping done, changed into regular clothes and took a leisurely walk back to the coach station. Yes another overnight trip; with me sweetly snoring most of the journey back to London. 

To recuperate, I had long soak, with a cool glass of water chasing down a full English breakfast and just as I was retiring for a nap, I received the call that I’d got the job. Suffice to say I took the nap with a big smile on my face.

With HOPE

Hope is that which keeps you standing, after everything around you has collapsed and everyone else has given up and crumbled,

Hope is that which keeps me standing; I will keep standing until the moment my heart withers and my body gives out,

And In that moment I will smile my biggest smile, for i will know beyond the shadow of a doubt, 

I have achieved my DREAM; I have fulfilled my ultimate GOAL by GOD. 

I have lived with HOPE.

Channelling Africa in the Western World

There are increasing numbers of African channels airing on Sky these days; as happy as i am for this continent of innovative, talented and artistic people to have an outlet for their gift, i find most of the channels to be less than first-rate.  So when i came across a new African TV channel called OH TV i was of the believe that it will be yet another average quality channel that plods along with programmes that are not well thought out until the new car smell wears off and the appeal and ratings fall. 

On this occasion i was happy to be wrong. After spending some time watching the channel and doing some research, i found OH TV seems to have a clear and well thought out vision of what they want to portray. They are not only airing in the UK but also in America as “OH USA” and has announced its entry into China via 3G mobile. 

One of the reasons i was so impressed with the channel was the soon to premiere movie “THE MIRROR BOY” which was created by OH Films in collaboration with The Nollywood Factory.  Starring Genevieve Nnaji, this movie spans over two continents (from the UK to The Gambia) and tells the story of a 12 year old boy Tijani and his journey from London to Gambia and subsequently the difficulties he faces on his first few days in Gambia

The preview of this movie promises an enjoyable and exciting movie. With twists and turns that will keep us entertained throughout.Preview TheMirrorBoy here.

If you are interested in going to the movie premiere you can purchase tickets at from http://www.themirrorboythemovie.com. For those that don't make the premiere, yours truelly is hoping to be attending and i will be posting my review of the movie on here. Don't know about you but i'm looking forward to it. 

Months of Bloggers BLOCK

It has been months since i posted a blog, i thought i had better explained myself. I have for a long time had Bloggers/writers block, i have not had any ideas on topics to write about. Not even one single narration of my life in the past few months.

I felt like i was not only letting myself down but also letting down all those around me. After months of self deprecation, i decided i was going to make myself get out of this funk. No longer waiting for the fog to lift miraculously, if it was going to happen i was going to have to do it myself. And that's when it came to me.

(LIGHT BULB MOMENT) Why don't i write about having writers block. Not just my inability to write something insightful but also the several topics and ideas i think are boring. i figured if i can share what i going through right now. I might be able to effect a change in my circumstances, so here goes nothing, I'll write once a week about anything and everything; if my writings for the next few weeks interests anybody then please enjoy the read, right now i have nothing to lose.